Getting Comfortable in the Grey Space

Today's post is a bit of a change of pace.  It's not a direct report on all things music and sistema, but instead a more detailed and honest look at the scary inner workings of my brain.

I'm an all-or-nothing thinker.  I always have been, and probably always will be.  All-or-nothing thinking (also known as polarized thinking) consists of looking at things in absolute, black-and-white categories with no middle ground.  It's sort of the "second place is the first loser" mentality; you're either perfect, or you're nothing.

I'm acutely aware that polarized thinking is my default setting, for better or for worse.  Though it may sound like an unhappy place to be mentally, it does have its usefulness- it keeps me working really, really hard all of the time.  I want to be a horn player.  I want to be an El Sistema program director.  I want to be a teacher.  I want to be a scholar.  I want to be an innovative, entrepreneurial musician.  I want to have it all, and I want to do all of it extremely well.  I never want to be anything but perfect, because anything less is failure.  (As an aside, this is why my blog posts are so sparse.  Try to find a typo in any of my entries.  I dare you.)

The other fellows and I are all considering many great opportunities for next year.  Some are concrete employment options with other candidates applying for the same position.  Others are really great projects waiting to be realized, currently only existing in theoretical space.  Additional part time jobs are available, allowing ample time for freelancing and other music making.  All are great options, and all allow us to follow our passion.  However, at this point in time, none of these are black and white opportunities; they are all in grey space.  Grey space doesn't exist in my default setting.  With all of these grey options, how can I be expected to make a decision? More urgently, how can I get through the anxiety of the next several months caused by not knowing where I will end up?

This is my biggest struggle this year. As a black and white thinker, I don't do well with theoretical opportunities or with having to wait and see what happens. Grey space makes my skin crawl, my heart race, and my brain speed into overdrive.  I'm a fairly spontaneous person, but when it comes to my career I want solid and stable answers.  Grey space makes me feel like I am directionless, like I will not be able to accomplish anything if everything remains unclear and undecided. 

I haven't come up with any magic answer for this yet.  I'm trying to be patient and take the advice of wise people. I received a particularly useful nugget of wisdom from President Obama's inauguration speech on MLK day: "We must act, knowing that our work will be imperfect." Another wise (though slightly less famous) man, Rey Ramirez from Soundscapes in Newport News, provided the Breaking the Fourth Wall conference attendees with these words of hope in Philadelphia: "We're changing the world just by being here."

Grey space has come up in conversation a number of times lately, ranging from career goals to cultural considerations to personal life.  Though it's uncomfortable for me, I'm learning that most situations are nowhere close to black-and-white; there is usually an infinite amount of grey space in between, leaving plenty of room to celebrate small victories, learn from minor setbacks, and give people the benefit of the doubt.

So, the wait continues. We are all working hard to figure out where we will end up six months from now, while simultaneously striving to build community through love and music. We're getting as comfortable as we can, believing that the world can be improved even when we're operating from the depths of the grey spaces.  

Residency Series: Chicago

From October 14 - November 10, I will be spending time in Chicago, Los Angeles, Austin, and DC.  The purpose of this residency is multifaceted, but the primary focus is a complete immersion in el sistema- inspired programs in the United States.  Today's blog is a reflection on my time at the YOURS Project in Chicago.

Sometimes, Multiple Personality Disorder is a Good Thing

It can be difficult to describe sistema work.  We love to use phrases like "using music as a vehicle for social change," or "social change through music education."  These all sound great, but was does that really mean?  Are we social service organizations?  Are we conservatories?  Are we childcare centers?  And, what are our goals?  Are we producing the next generation of concertmasters and soloists?  Are we just trying to keep kids off the street?  Are we helping kids graduate from high school and have productive futures?

Here's the simple answer: Yes.

We have multiple personality disorder.

And, you know what?  That's awesome.  Let me tell you why.

Let's start our journey down the dissociative identity trail at the People's Music School in Chicago's Uptown neighborhood.  This organization has provided free music instruction for Chicago's youth since 1975.  People's Music School has multiple personality disorder.  It has two branches: onsite programming, conducted at PMS' building in Uptown; and offsite programming, under the auspices of the YOURS Project.  Onsite programming focuses on private/small group lessons, music theory and composition.  YOURS teaches nearly exclusively through group instruction.  Onsite programming occurs 3 days a week; YOURS project, 5 days a week.  

Both programs offer free music education to Chicago's children.  They have slightly different ways of doing it.  Is that a bad thing?  No!  Are you kidding me?  People's Music School is offering two different options in order to best suit the needs of the greatest number of children and families!  That's brilliance!

Let's focus now on YOURS, where I spent the majority of my time.  I had the opportunity to meet with the entire teaching staff, including nucleo directors and teaching artists.  I led discussion over two different sessions on the question, "What is el sistema?"  Here is a random sampling of responses:

-making classical music accessible to everyone

-time intensive and teacher intensive

-fostering self-esteem

-giving kids tools for their lives; home, school, relationships, etc

-self-confidence

-teamwork

-teaching kids to respect each other, realizing everyone has something to learn and to give

-group learning

-teaching the kids to work hard to achieve goals

-allowing music to be the medicine for the soul

-saving lives and learning to be better human beings through music

-goal of musical excellence

-provides a way to channel expression

-foster interest in classical music

Are there distinct social goals there?  Of course.  How about distinct musical goals?  You bet.

During the Logan Square staff meeting, nucleo director Tom Madeja asked his teaching artists what they wanted to focus on with the children for the remainder of 2012.  Responses included:

-greater literacy and reading music

-create Logan Square method for teaching how to read music

-increase sense of belonging; making it fun

-creating a sense of accountability as a group within the students

-performance opportunities

Musical goals? Check.  Social goals? Check.  

The staff has multiple personality disorder.

I also interviewed two YOURS students, asking them why they liked coming to the YOURS project:

Answer 1 (Jonathan, 9 years old): "Mostly, it's a great opportunity to learn.  It's a free education.  Most schools don't get this."

Answer 2 (Xochitl, 10 years old): "That you can learn to play new instruments that you didn't know before.  They teach us new songs that we can play and show....orchestra rocks!"

Management, teaching artists and students realize that this program is multifaceted.  It's about teaching children of their own worth through musical excellence.  It's about love, joy and song.  I would argue that what makes People's and YOURS stand out is that they are giving the pursuit of musical excellence a greater purpose, making the goal more meaningful and desirable.  This multiple personality disorder is a critical element of the program's success.  To focus on only one of the two primary goals would be doing a disservice to the children.  Is it a bad thing to have multiple personalities if both work in tandem to create a better world?  

With Our Powers Combined...

I am extremely fortunate to be constantly surrounded by a multitude of remarkable people.  I could speak so much about the magnificence of all of my friends, and how the world is made better by all of their unique gifts.  Today, however, I want to focus on one of the most important relationships in my life.  This blog is about my friend Gary, a high school band director in Virginia.

Gary and I met on the first day of band camp freshman year at James Madison University (JMU).  We were both entering the horn studio at JMU, and became friends instantly.  We have been major players in each other's lives ever since.

Back in 2007, when I had red hair and Gary...looked exactly the same as he does now.

I admire Gary for so many reasons.  On a personal note, he is one of the most caring, loyal, and loving friends on the planet.  I could go on and on about how phenomenal of a companion he is, but that wouldn't really fit into the scope of this blog, so I'll get to the point: Gary is one of the most exceptional band directors I've ever seen.  He truly cares about the well-being of his students.  He takes the time to learn about each student inside and out- their strengths, weaknesses, home life, hobbies, goals and dreams.  He receives a loving respect from them, most likely a product of his caring nature.  His rehearsals are the definition of intensity, and he holds his students to an extremely high standard.  The kids wouldn't have it any other way, due to the level of motivation and empowerment he fosters within them.  Oh yeah, and he's a pretty killer musician too.

Gary definitely goes above and beyond the call of duty of a teacher.  Since I entered the sistema world, I've often thought about how great of an el sistema- inspired program director Gary would be.  Lately though, I've realized that this is not only an incorrect thought, but in fact a mindset that may hurt rather than help our favorite cause of "social change through music" (expect a later blog post on what the heck that phrase even means...).

Sometimes, we in the sistema world can unintentionally appear overly righteous.  It's understandable how this could happen, as we are all so passionate about the work we do.  I can also understand how it's possible to come across in this light to other music educators, as aside from using public schools as program sites, most sistema programs end up functioning separately from in-school music programs.  This is incredibly unfortunate and counterproductive, as mutually beneficial partnerships could be created to further enhance the students' experiences, therefore producing a greater impact on their lives.  If these two entities continue to remain separate, we are depriving our kids and ourselves of the greatest possible positive impact.  My point is, instead of thinking that Gary would be better suited for the sistema world since he embodies so many sistema qualities, I should be grateful that a teacher like Gary is in the public school realm, reaching students in the school system the way that I hope to reach them in the civic sector.  We are doing the same work; we are merely traveling down different paths to get the work done.  The qualities that shape great sistema leaders are the same qualities that shape great teachers.  

Gary is a phenomenal teacher.  His kids are beyond lucky to have him.  Those students are just as deserving of a great teacher as kids in sistema programs.  Imagine if Gary's kids had the good fortune to be in his band and in a sistema-inspired program.  Imagine if kids in a sistema-inspired program were also blessed to have the opportunity to learn from Gary.  Imagine if all kids were lucky enough to receive in-school and after-school music education from teachers who love music and believe in the capability of every child to live a life of dignity and integrity.

Whoa.

Sistema educators hope to instill within their students the ability to create and embrace community, to work together towards a common goal, to mentor, to inspire, to achieve greatness.  As leaders, we must exemplify these qualities by working with the existing music education culture, not separate from it.  I'm still figuring out my role in the grand scheme of positively affecting the lives of our nation's youth through love and music, but I can tell you for certain that if I end up creating my own sistema-inspired program near Gary's school, I want us to be on the same team.  It would be a disservice to the kids in my program to be so near an extraordinary educator and mentor and not to have access to him.  I know that he and I could find a way to create a sustainable and empowering partnership.  In a field that would not exist without optimism and idealism, why not believe that both entities can work together to create a better world?

*********************************************************************************

p.s.: When I let Gary approve this entry before posting it, he said, "I've never thought about what I do like that. I just do what I think will benefit the students most long-term; using every bit of information I have to make what I hope is the best decision."
Thanks, Gary, for proving my point :)

Crooked and Wide

The day I switched my major at James Madison University from music education to music performance, I started defining success as being principal horn in a major orchestra by the time I was 25.  My attitude about this was all-or-nothing; I either made it to the top, or I didn't make it at all. Perhaps the most disturbing part is that I actually thought this was a realistic goal and would be relatively simple to accomplish. 'After all,' I thought, 'I'm a really hard worker and everyone keeps telling me that I'm good at the horn, so I'm sure something will work out.'

Well, here's how my life's path has gone since then:

Complete BM

I

Work at Retail Clothing Store

I

Start MM; Have a Breakdown

I

Abandon MM; Consider Career Switch

I

Work at Coffee Shop; Wallow in Self-Loathing

I

Restart MM; Still Consider Career Switch

I

Complete MM; Start DMA; Teach a Little; Freelance a Little; Discover el Sistema

I

Continue DMA; Build a Horn Studio; Freelance in 3 States; Volunteer at Sistema Programs

I

Move to Boston for Sistema Fellowship

I

????

My 20-year-old self (or even my 25-year-old self, for that matter) would look at this path and think that my almost-28-year-old self is a complete failure.  I'm not a principal hornist in ANY orchestra, much less a major one.  I'm still in school, for crying out loud!  I haven't achieved perfection on my instrument.  I have to work several different jobs to sustain myself.  What have I done with my life?  Did I just give up?  When did I become a quitter?

This type of thinking beat me down for a long time.  I wanted a straight and narrow path, one that would lead me directly into that highly-paid orchestra seat.  Every time I was thrown a curve ball, I didn't even attempt to swing at it; instead, I berated myself for not being able to magically will the powers-that-be on the mound to toss me an easy pitch.  I felt lost, confused, and completely unsure of myself.

It wasn't until about six months ago that I finally hit a breaking point with this type of thinking.  I was drowning and had to find a way to come up for air.  This wasn't an easy process, and it still isn't.  However, I've learned that when things don't work out the way we planned, our perception of our own lives can become so distorted that it is completely unreliable.  Instead of trusting my thoughts, I'm learning to trust only the facts.  That being said, here are the current facts of my life:

-I am a performer, teacher and scholar.

-Though I am FAR from rich, I am able to sustain myself solely through teaching and playing music.

-In a year's time, people will have to call me Dr. Hockenberry (or more likely, Dr. Rachie).

-My music has taken me all over the US, to several countries in Europe, and soon to South America.

-I actively strive to create social change through music education and performance.

-I have found other passions besides music, and have given myself the permission to enjoy them.

When I look at the facts, is it actually realistic to think that I have failed?  I don't even WANT to be a principal horn player any more- if life ever leads me into a full-time orchestra gig, I want the 2nd or 4th seat.  More importantly, when my life was solely focused on being the best horn player ever, I was profoundly unhappy.  I am significantly happier maintaining the eclectic musical lifestyle I lead today.  I'm not saying that those who take the direct route to the orchestra are in the wrong whatsoever; I'm just saying that, to my surprise, it ended up being the wrong path for me.  It was scary to admit that, but the mere act of admitting it turned out to be the hardest part.  Once I became honest with myself, things fell into place faster than I ever could have expected.

Sometimes, the best thing we can do for ourselves is redefine what 'success' really means.  It is so easy to think that we have failed when things don't work out the way we planned.  What we must realize is that the path is rarely straight and narrow; more often than not, it's crooked and wide.  What's important is that we give ourselves the permission to follow our path wherever it may take us, and embrace the journey.  I'm not saying this is easy- in fact, I still struggle with it almost daily, especially any time I add another roundabout in the middle of my path.  When this happens though, all we need to do is ask ourselves one question: Am I happy in the direction I'm headed?  If the answer is yes, then look before you merge and keep on driving.  If the answer is no, then don't be afraid to alter the course.

Music Can Take You Anywhere

Sometimes, life takes you by surprise.

I went into this academic year having no idea where my life was headed. I knew that this would (thankfully) be my last year as a student, and I was gaining professional experience in a variety of capacities, but I didn't know what would come next. While I tend to be extremely optimistic about everyone else's life opportunities, I am incredibly pessimistic about my own. I'm working on improving my outlook, but it's a long road and a difficult change to make. I honestly believed that upon the completion of my coursework this June I would end up working full time at a coffee shop...again. First, let me stress that there is NOTHING wrong with this at all. However, being a professional barista isn't exactly the desired outcome of 9 years of MUSIC school.

As the year progressed, I ended up being presented with three great opportunities for the next phase of my life. Shockingly, one of those opportunities was to stay in Cincinnati as a musician, as I have finally successfully broken into the freelance performing and teaching scene (side note: being patient about the time it takes to "make it" is going to be the topic of my next post). Up until about a month ago, I had no idea which of the three options I was going to choose. I went back and forth about every other day: "Option A is the best. No wait, option B is totally the right choice. Just kidding, I'm going to do option C." I'm used to having to choose between the lesser of evils, and having to choose the BEST among great opportunities is new territory for me.

After a significant amount of deliberation and soul searching (cheesy, I know...but true all the same), I am happy to announce that I will be a member of the 2013 Sistema Fellows program at NEC (formerly known as the Abreu Fellows program). I feel so incredibly lucky to have been selected for this program. I truly believe that this fellowship is the last necessary step in giving myself the chance to make my career as fulfilling as I want it to be.

I will be spending September 2012 - June 2013 residing in Boston, with stints in other US cities and Venezuela along the way. Though participating in this program, I hope make a clear decision about the role sistema will play in my life, and in what capacity I will be the most beneficial to the success of the movement in the US. I also plan to use this time to complete my DMA document/dissertation/project/whatever-CCM-is-calling-it-now, which concerns the effectiveness of brass pedagogy in a group setting. I am honored to join the ranks of sistema fellows, all of whom have immensely enriched the lives of youth all across America.

The decision to accept the fellowship was not an easy one. I have worked so hard to become a decent horn player, and I was concerned that accepting the fellowship would mean I was giving up on my chances as a performer. After having several conversations with some wonderful people who have also chosen this path, I have realized that is not the case. My horn playing will always be an integral part of who I am. My musical goals haven't changed at all- the destination just looks different now. I also couldn't ignore the fact that the last time I experienced the excitement and conviction that I feel about sistema philosophy was when I became vegan seven years ago (see last blog post for that explanation). I realized that I would actually be doing myself a disservice if I didn't accept this fellowship and see where it takes me. I will not be closing any doors, but instead opening many new ones.

If I've learned anything over the past year, it's that I have no idea where my life will take me a year from today. As musicians, we possess such a wonderful gift of our careers being able to take us wherever our heart truly desires as long as we are willing to put in the work to get us there. I now look at my life as a musician as a giant, wonderful adventure; I'm excited to discover the results of this next great journey.

conviction over precision

I am passionate about many things. When I think about these various passions, I can acknowledge that my life would not be as meaningful without their presence. However, lately I've realized that there is a subtle yet important distinction between passion and conviction. To be passionate about something you must love it and appreciate it, but to be convicted is to know that you absolutely cannot live without that something. Though I have many passions, I only have two great convictions when it comes to how I live my life. The first is veganism, a conviction embarking on its 7-year anniversary. As the purpose of this blog has nothing to do with animal rights or environmental protection, I will refrain from speaking about that here, other than to say that I know I must be vegan. The second conviction is relatively new to me, but is currently providing me with a feeling of purpose during a time of my life when nothing else is: el sistema.

In recent years I have been able to recognize not only how fortunate I am today, but also how fortunate I have always been. I was lucky enough to be raised in a supportive middle-class family in a middle-class town, never having to worry about whether or not there would be food on the table or if I would go to college. As a child, I was blessed with all of the resources I needed to get to where I am as an adult. Only recently have I grasped the truth that the circumstances of my lucky childhood had a direct impact on the person I have become. Eventually, this led me to think about the children who aren't as fortunate as I was, and the impact that UNluckiness will have on the type of people they will become.

The thing that bothers me the most about this thought is the realization that as children we have NO control over how our lives unfold. A child cannot help whether he was born into a wealthy family or a poor one, a supportive family or a demeaning one, to educated parents or uneducated ones, in a good neighborhood or a bad one. Though a child has no control over these circumstances, he is inevitably either propelled forward or held back by them. Because life is unfair in this way, a poor child has a much smaller chance of living a prosperous adulthood than a wealthy child.

My automatic thought in response to this unfairness was, "who is to blame?" I have asked myself this question a lot, and I still don't know the answer. What I do know is that pointing fingers in any direction will not accomplish positive change. "Who is to blame" isn't the right question to ask. This question must be changed to, "who is going to do something to fix this problem?"

I am.

I must.

To me, there is no other option any more. Now that I know these injustices exist, and now that I truly understand that a child does not determine the conditions under which he is raised, I have no choice but to help those who cannot help themselves. I am committed and convicted.

There's one small problem, though: I am absolutely terrified of the follow-through. I know without a doubt that this is what I want to dedicate my life to, but social change through music is a daunting task to someone who has struggled with self-doubt for years. My fear of failure has the potential to drastically hold me back from accomplishing this goal, from helping those who so deserve to be helped.

My current focus is overcoming this fear. In order to do that, I am taking a lesson from el sistema philosophy myself. A saying that gets thrown around a lot in the el sistema community is "passion first, precision second," or "passion over precision." The belief is that it's much more important to get kids excited about making music and to provide them with a source of inspiration than for them to have a textbook embouchure or flawless technique. The precision will help them advance as musicians, but it is the passion that will ultimately provide them with the positive experiences they need to help them advance as people, and to create and achieve long-term goals. If they have passion, the precision will follow. For me, I'm replacing the word "passion" with "conviction." I must trust that my conviction to make this work will lead the way, and the precision will follow.

Every step of my el Sistema journey is frightening. I am fighting fears every day that I volunteer with Cincinnati's program. It's difficult, and sometimes I don't feel like I'm making much progress, but I know that my fear and resultant idleness will do nothing to create a just society. It is only through my baby steps of improvement that I will be able to make any positive change in this world. Those steps are propelled by my conviction, and as my conviction grows, so will the size of my steps, and the precision of my action. As long as I remain convicted, my aspirations of creating a positive social change through cultivating a love of music will become a precise reality.

The Randy Gardner Accuracy Challenge

I consider myself extremely lucky to be a student of Randy Gardner at CCM. Never forgetting about his students during the summer, one of a few summer projects Mr. Gardner assigned us is what I will refer to as the Randy Gardner Accuracy Challenge, or simply The Challenge. Mr. Gardner created and subjected himself to this exercise over the course of a summer during his college years. The Challenge requires the participant to own book 1 of the Maxime-Alphonse 200 Etudes nouvelles melodies et progressives pour cor. Here's how you play:

1. Open your Maxime-Alphonse to the first page.

2. Play the first etude PERFECTLY three times IN A ROW. Do not miss a note. Do not even let so much as an unclean attack make its way into your performance. Follow all articulations, dynamics, phrasing and tempi.

3. If you miss a note, DO NOT STOP. Finish the etude, then start over.

4. If you mess up in your second or third repetition, you must complete the repetition and then start over again at performance #1. For example: if you miss a note in the middle of your second repetition, you must play to the end of the etude, and then start over with attempt #1.

5. You guessed it: even if you miss the very last note of your third repetition, you must start the cycle over again. You must play the etude perfectly three times IN A ROW before you can move on to the next etude.

6. Repeat this process for all 70 etudes.

Needless to say, one can easily go crazy trying to do this. Because of this, it is recommended that one spend no more than 10-15 minutes at a time on The Challenge.

For those non-horn players reading this post, the 1st book of Maxime-Alphonse is not technically challenging for a more advanced player. I know a lot of players use this book in high school or even early college, though I personally have never used this series before now. On average, these etudes are only between 3-6 lines long.

I began my journey with The Challenge yesterday. I consider myself to be a fairly accurate player. I have perfect pitch, so hearing the note before I play it is rarely an issue (hearing it perfectly in tune, especially if it is not a perfect interval, is a different story, and will probably be the subject of a later blog post). At a glance, the early pages of the book seem like they could be performed perfectly three times in a row fairly easily, especially for a player who considers herself accurate. Well...

I might be giving myself cancer.

It took me 15-20 minutes to get through the 1st etude 3 times in a row. I had no problems playing the etude once through perfectly. It was the second try when I kept making mistakes, and would have to finish out the performance and then start over at 1. After about 5 tries, I got through 2 perfect performances of the etude. At that point, I was determined not to mess it up on the 3rd time. I was successful.

Today I began my work on etude #2. As I said, I have never used this book before, so each etude is a sightread for me. In 10 minutes, I got through the etude 1 time perfectly. This was the end of my practice session, and my face was too tired for any more attempts, so etude #2 and I will face off again tomorrow.

The Challenge is predominately an exercise in concentration. I have never found myself so upset at a woman walking a cute puppy down the road outside of my window as when I was working on The Challenge. It also shows you what little flaws you may be letting yourself get away with in other performances. Though frustrating, I expect this exercise to be an educational and self-improving experience.